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Self ownership, what does it really mean?

I grew up in a small sized society, deeply patriarchal, (falsely) religious. I grew up in a normal family, went to school and university, been a good friend, partner, daughter, employee. I did everything right. How come though, that i found myself turning 30 feeling miserable?

Now, i know. I was conditioned to be a people pleaser.

In my whole life, I had the deep undercover belief that something was wrong with me; Somehow i did not fit in.

I did not seem to value what others valued in my culture. I was feeling unsatisfied in my intimate relationships, not close and bonded enough with the people around me I loved most and I was ANGRY deep down. I was making myself to be what others wanted me, in order to receive their love and acceptance. Still, I did not seem to succeed. And i did not seem to be able to lie enough to myself about it.

I got mental health problems. No matter what I did to help myself only seemed like painkillers and not a real breakthrough.

So, here i am. In Berlin. First lost and desperate. Scared. With a low self esteem and willing to go really far in order to make solid connections. Berlin broke me up in pieces and I am now in the process of getting reshaped. Transformed actually.

What was really missing? There is one main factor connected with all kinds of my issues.

Self worth. Self assertiveness. Self ownership.

If i would make an effort to describe what it means all that for me, i would say that, it is the courage to allow myself to reveal as exactly it is, to unfold step by step, to observe my patterns and tendencies, to make peace with the aspects of me that seem dysfunctional, to accept that no matter how much i try some of them will never change;

It scares my shit out of me to acknowledge my dark side. My hidden desires. My rage. It scares me most the thought that, if people would really see those aspects of me, they would leave. I will be alone. So in reality, it is not the fear of who iIam, but, this what I am, will not get loved.

It takes unbelievable courage to stand up for ourselves when there is no one by our side to empower or support us. Being vulnerable enough though, acknowledging all those hidden in my shadow self, all I suppressed and denied, was ultimately rewarding and added great value in my life quality.

Slowly, I started experiencing that, the more I set myself free from expectations of how “i should be”, the less symptoms of anxiety and depression I experienced. The more I showed all those I was afraid of, the more I found myself surrounded by loving and accepting people.

Also, this allowed me to connect with others in a deeper, more authentic level, as we do not need our masks anymore. Relating gets playful, light, liberating.

And this is genuine power. Owning myself allows me more and more to come in peace with all the parts of myself that were neglected. I start enjoying life, because I do not carry the burden of having to be someone. Anyone. Interesting, successful, strong or whatever.

Life flows, and when it does, I do not crawl to get out of bed in the morning. I can say loudly NO, and ever loudly Yes to what i really want. I do not just survive anymore. I live. I have desires and they are mine. I have dreams and it is my duty to go after them.

The perfect timing might never arrive.

Our dreams, our needs, our sexuality, our creativity belongs to us. Self ownership means responsibility. Responsibility means the ability to respond.

Respond to our emotional needs, to our boundaries and turn inwards for all the answers we seek for. This is a genuine revolution in action against a society that is pushing us outwards, to money making without ethics, shallow connections, cheap entertainment and objectification of others and ourselves.

When tuning in, we can slowly arrive in a soft place where we meet our inner compass and life becomes a bit more vibrant, a bit more meaningfull day by day. This compass can become the major support mechanism in decision - making. Decisions based on our higher wellbeing and that of everything and everyone surrounding us.

This does not come fast but rather builds up our whole life. I find my inner resources growing and this allows me to have the capacity to be there for others too.

Disease or Healing is always a personal decision.

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